foxonline's Blog

Recipes for mania

Mania… and all the positive things it makes you think of. There’s 3 more aspects I figured out and they are: self esteem, memory and nutrition.
High self esteem is, of course, one of the main ingredients to the manic mind [I am not talking about overestimating yourself to the point it’s dangerous]. I noticed I didn’t have enough self love these days. I had this haunting feeling that people won’t be willing to help me. I started naming my food “good self esteem”, so that when it absorbs into my body, my brain would assimilate the good vibes. After I started doing this, I felt that I am a very cute person and that everybody would want to help me – that kind of feeling. Conviction is very important. We can dedicate actions and food and drink to our goals and this way the goal is visualized with much more intensity.
There is a lot to say about self esteem. There are lots of books which I found really helpful; one good author is Louise L. Hay. When we are manic, self esteem kind of goes without saying. Then it can go away together with the state. So our job is to find out the ingredients of the state and sort of buy them one by one and “cook”.
Memory – something has to trigger the memory. I decided to look a lot at the photographs I took while manic. That’s when my inner world was at its peak. That’s when my creative imagination was blossoming. I am making mind movies now [ PowerPoint presentations where positive affirmations about myself are illustrated with images]. Mind movies convince the mind and make things in your affirmations come true faster. I am using pictures from my mania period to illustrate sentences in the present tense affirming that I have what I want in a mind movie. Then I go through the mind movie slowly and quickly listening at the same time to a song that makes me hyped. The result is phenomenal. I really accelerated the progress towards the result I so badly wanted.
I look at my pictures and I try to remember in detail what thoughts and mindscapes they referred to. All comes back as if it was yesterday, as if today’s day is a logical continuation of it. Someone told me it’s very good to look on a regular basis at your own photographs from the moments where you were genuinely happy. It really does comes back.
Now, the other aspect was nutrition. The brain has enormous capacities, but needs fuel. I remember when I was manic I used to takes lots of natural pills made for mental stimulation and memory improving. I took liquid form of vitamin B complex (all the B’s combined). I also took flax seed oil – a spoonful 3 times a day. This is omega 3 and it prevents depression. The herbs I took were: gingko biloba (very good mental stimulator) and gotukola (good for memory). I also took chlorophyll to cleanse the blood from chemical toxicities. I decided to started taking all this kit again and see what happens. When chemistry is right, it makes you more receptive to happy vibes and you deal with your problems better. 
So now I have three elements to think about and work on it, so that the manic mind becomes more easily accessible. I wish you all luck in getting your happiness back. Stand up for your right!

Linen Chest Espresso

I was about to apply for a job at Linen Chest as their blog writer. This was an article I wrote to demonstrate my writing skills. I thought iit is a perfect match for my Fox Online blog.
I figured out that not all the items in Linen Chest are vegan (they sell leather arm chairs and down pillows) so I changed my mind about accepting this job; I am proud of my entry though, so here it is.


People love atmospheres. People are fleeing negative feelings. People are fleeing their homes. People get into drugs to get an escape. They don’t realize Escape button can be found on the keyboard of their very computer and conviction activates the law of attraction and therefore a leap of faith can get you there [or for lack of information as to where there, I’d say “out of here”].

I am not into drugs for many reasons and, besides the keeping of the Five Precepts, one it’s my discovery that a human mind can get healthily high on its own if it receives the right content at the right time. For me, to be receptive enough to any content, I have to have my fix of clarity. So, like any member of the human species, I am aiming high and aiming at “high”, and since drugs are not an option my high has to be enlightened or hyped. I thought a lot about escape and like most people I have my escape tendencies. Coffee places are not only my sources of drinkable clarity, but an atmosphere change. They make me feel like I actually went somewhere for leisure even though I didn’t socialize there, but drank my coffee alone. Recently I got tired of my addiction of to official urban escapes and decided to get creative about it. I purchased an espresso machine at Linen Chest and got informed about the most cappuccino efficient brands of soya milk – apparently it’s Silk and Sensational Soy. This is a leap that will push me to make my home have an inspirational atmosphere and really make it incorporate  the  perfect escape. Less excuses to go out for coffee, more pocket money and a creative challenge.  My home has to have the hyping properties of the city, of coffee places and the coffee has to be high quality. Once again, I aimed high and I got my satisfaction guaranteed.



Now. I need to get it straight. I am too badly mistreated by life. Mistreated in the domain of the mind. I was fuckin’ depressed for too long. I watched TV just now and saw a very nice governmental ad. It finished with the words “Have an action plan”. This inspired me beyond limits. I thought about it and now I have an action plan as a result. I want to get manic*. [please read in the end of the article.] By manic I mean rather hypomanic. Each person has his own interpretation of what manic is, each bipolar person has experienced it differently. Sometimes hypomania or in love gets labeled as mania in the hospital because the medical staff is just too stupid. SO I'll just say manic, because I feel too sarcastic, though the precise word would be rather hypomanic.

I read in a book about motivation that when you want to achieve something, you first have to make a list of reasons why – that will boost your motivation. Even if your reasons go without saying, you have to point them out and get conscious about them. SO.

I want to be manic (or rather hypomanic) because:

Manic (or hypomanic) equals genius.
Manic (...) equals happy.
Manic equals self esteem.
Manic equals resourcefulness.
Manic equals creative.
Manic equals in love.
Manic equals love for life.
Manic equals close to God.
Manic equals emotional.
Manic equals True.
Manic equals inspiration.
Manic equals active.
Manic equals spontaneous.
Manic equals loose.
Manic equals charismatic.
Manic equals Be Yourself.
Manic equals self acceptance.
Manic equals global understanding.
Manic equals ease in communication.
Manic equals humor.
Manic equals high tech.
Manic equals being in God’s arms.
Manic equals God is Mine.
I am warning you. I am not good. I know my genius states were often cut off by medication and or excessive medication. Now that I am so damn educated, I can say my states/behavioral patterns were too often pathologized for nothing, just because I have a bipolar label. So. Why is it bad to be bipolar? Depression makes you pensive and mania makes you happy and you can finally apply in practice all you learned after being so damn pensive. I am warning you. I am not good. I am not gonna give you pedagogical crap just because it’s a blog and I am afraid you will stop your meds in improper way and get a withdrawal psychosis because you want to get manic through the stop. If you do want to stop your meds I would suggest that you study withdrawal and how to make it pass faster and, of course, study alternatives to meds as well as healthy behaviors. Study on your own everything you can about it before doing anything. In my case, I will try to get manic without stopping meds. I can't stop for now anyhow (fuckin' forced treatment).

So my plan is to get manic. I listed the reasons.
Now. How to get there? Happiness or intense happiness is not only chemical. Everything influences brain chemistry. And physical action is only one of those things. I want to understand what makes me click.
What makes me happy?
  • Getting closer to the meaning of life.
  • Deep understanding of life.
Now, I want to remember how I felt meaningful before. When? How? Why?
I really want to go in depth into every particle that makes me manic and study it to get to efficient ways to get it back. I have a goal and I am unstoppable.

Some things that remind me about meaning of life (four points out of a million):
  1. Being good and helping others, making ripple effects with my behaviors and gestures.
  2. Being successful.
  3. Understanding this particular life.
  4. Advancement.
Just with these reminders I can get some methods to increase my electric voltage. (Yes – that’s the result of being more meaningful.)
  1. Being good. How does that makes me feel? What is “good”? Now I am in a bar. I take no intoxicants, but they put on a very good John Lennon song. Why it makes me feel more meaningful? Why is it good? It’s not “Let It Be”. It’s “I’m Losing You”.    
If I produce songs, why would they be good? How will they influence people’s feelings and therefore understanding? Why certain things are good? It’s not only morality. There are different components to good.

Why an act can be good? – (…you can do moral analysis) THEN,

Why a song is good? – uh-oh complex answer. I suppose, a song is some sort of a Bible. Now I want to be that Bible. Bible "Electric Chapel" by Lady Gaga or Bible “New York” – Cat Power cover? Why are these songs so good?
Now I rephrase to get closer to changing brain chemistry, I’ll talk as if I am talking to the physical brain itself:
Why a song is good? – uh-oh complex molecule. Now, I want to be that complex molecule. Complex molecule “Electric Chapel” by Lady Gaga or complex molecule “New York” – Cat Power cover. Why these songs can be so good? They do something, aren’t they?
What can I do?
Thoughts that come:
I am me. I am complex. Being yourself is good. Being yourself is being something particular. Why being yourself and no one else is so god?
Now. Why a quartz is good?
I am very interested. I can look up its properties.
I remember something like “aligning of emotions”, “help in self love”, etc.
What is good about stones is that they really make you think about those things if you are informed. How can I make people think about things?
How can I be a quartz? How can I align people’s   emotions and increase self love in them?
If I get to the precise quartz structure will it get me manic (hypomanic)?
(Now I talked about quartz. I was typing further while sitting in the bar. Just now, someone I know a little came and gave me a quartz stone. It’s transparent and looks like a rounded ice cube. He said it’s good for me. I asked what it does. He said “You will see.” I went to the bathroom and placed the stone on my heart. It absorbed accumulated hurt almost physically and gave me a very comforting feeling. It’s good to place semi-precious stones on your chakras, the wisdom eye and the heart are examples. Funny :) Almost God answered.)
Why do I analyze? I want to understand what is good and why and bring more of this into my life. Its good to explore principles of life and understand how to apply knowledge to get that good feeling back. I brainstorm to get many anchor points – then I’ll apply my brainstorm result ideas and get manic (hypomanic).
2. Being successful. Sense of accomplishment makes me feel good. Accomplishment. Success at what? At being myself? At applying a skill? At a hobby? At a project? At becoming what I want to become? At doing something good? At finishing what I have begun? If I’ve begun something it means it’s meaningful. OK. I want to be happy and success is one of the keys. I’ll pay attention. One more key to happiness. It’s not too difficult to get manic.

 3. Understanding life. This is a source of euphoria. When I really understand I feel happy. Maybe I should understand why it was so good to get depressed. What did I learn? What can I do with what I learned? How can what I do have components of “good”, “meaningful” and “useful”? Maybe the answer to why shit happened to me is funny. I want to know. I like to laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha.

4.  Advancement. Personal advancement can badly make you euphoric. What kinds of advancement do I like? How did I get advanced in the past? What are my zones of interest? What abilities do I like to develop? Advancement is staying with me when I take notes. Advancement is even more accessible when I organize my memory. I will make reminders for myself about what I learn every day. I have a journal in my desktop. I write blogs that keep track of my advancement by sharing information with others. Once I started to understand how to talk to animals. Animals made me high by opening my understanding and by their mystical sense of humor. They are top intelligence and are governed by love, which is not the case of some humans. Why don’t I keep a notebook where I write my conversations, so that I can remember what my best friends had to tell me? Very important.

These things I listed are reminders about the meaning of life. They make us closer to the meaning of life. Closer to the core. What is the core itself? Why people say it’s God? What is God? Now. Why are things God? Why my existence is God? Why I feel closer to God sometimes?
What makes us closer to God? God is in what and how?
-> What made me closer to God before? How can I bring it back now?
I just began a brainstorming and got so many things out. My search has just begun and I’ll think more, write more, and do more. I’ll get back my connection with God. Intense meditation would be very good. I have to be more disciplined in spiritual practice. In that case happiness is guaranteed.

 * I know the word manic has negative meanings associated to it. By saying “manic” and “high” I mean a positive high of course. Not a dangerous high. Please understand this. People get attached to the high periods of their lives because they were happy, creative and any other thing I listed in the beginning. Negative possibilities such as arrogance is precisely arrogance and I don’t include it in the meaning of the word manic. I like the word manic and I like to use it in a purely positive way. Dangerous behaviors related to mania are result of being mislead. “Mislead” means mislead. Many people’s hearts are broken when they are forced to leave their state of heaven because they had negative consequences or simply were pathologized and mishandled by the medical personnel. Maybe psychiatry was not the right address. It’s good to study what makes a person dangerous or arrogant and what to do in order not to get mislead and correct this. Don’t be too negative.  Maybe I shouldn't use the word manic. I just can't handle when my happiness and creativity is being classified as a sickness attribute. It's ironic how mania gets treated with depression. People have to understand themselves and correct the negative sides of their personality and get some mind technical support, then their states of euphoria won't be classified as bad. OR maybe they will, because not only angels work in psychiatry and not only understanding people handle patients.

So, I repeat - I just like the word manic. (What I am talking about here would be rather hypomanic, but then again, often hypomanic gets labeled as manic, or in love gets labeled as manic, so I am using a word to which many people can relate to and understand what I mean, since they had this experience.


The visual landscape remastered

I started to understand that what I look at on a daily basis influences my mood, my subconsciousness, my memory, my actions, my future.  It’s important what goes through the eyes. I often found that depression comes from a poor visual landscape. Sometimes my house is more than a mess. It’s a depressing mess. I look at things and get even more dragged down than I was.

I understood what a wonderful effect on the brain a meaningful bracelet or an image can have. It uplifts in a second. Suppose you made a bracelet and chose every bead very carefully, so that it reminds you of things. Each time you look at it, you get a gulp full of memories and reminders. I decided to do a “bracelet” with every section of my home. I do one section a day, but really well. I clean it thoroughly, very carefully and accurately. Then I put objects. I realized clean up is not “putting things/objects away” but just ”putting objects” – both statements are true, but the latter is not a depressing formulation and it rather makes you feel like you get creative, and not just doing what you should.  When I clean up, I free an area and design its significance. I put only the things I would really like to look at. I avoid putting too many objects. I design each one’s significance and think about the function.  In the end I have a finished three dimensional masterpiece that I really enjoy and that will uplift me each time I pass by.  It reminds me of putting a song on. Each section is a record and the surface is a turntable. I like to strike visually. I need to dismantle inner chaos, so I really work on things I involve in my functional composition. I made my house remind me everything I need to remember to stay out of depression and I must say it really works. It’s important to regard each little piece of my life with respect. That way each piece of it pays off capitals. I love life. It just needs a lot of grooming. So does my mind. I work on the most intricate brushes and tooth-combs possible. I am good. I will work on becoming better.

The visual triggers - my inner control panel

Talking about how one detail can change things a lot, how our mind can be harnessed into taking us up. Basically, how do you soar? I learn more and more about life. Recently I got one more illumination about  the importance of details. This time - more precisely – the importance of the visual. What do I look at or choose to look at – what is in front of my eyes or what do I nourish my mind with; The disposition, color and nature of objects in my house – they have effect on my perception; personal look – what colors to use and being particular about  being groomed and looking good. All that and more. Suppose you dress in red, you choose a meaningful jewelry piece, you use a particular hue of nail polish, you put a message pin on your bag, you make your eyes look like cat eyes with the help of an eyeliner. Why. What a work of art produces in the human brain? People react very specifically to colors, shapes and notions. A visual stimuli is a tree endlessly branching out in a human heart. You are a signal. You are a sound. Are you a pronounced word? What species’ language? What do you mean?

It is important to mean. Living in a scattered mode, thinking that all the possible bullshit goes without saying in life is not a very efficient way to get uplifted. You can change things with specific moves on your part. Visual. Verbal. Gestural. The mind needs specifics. Specifics are hooks. When you climb a mountain you need hooks. How far down are you? Are you starving your mind? When you starve your mind, it starts to eat garbage. That’s how we get depressed. Depression is either a mental starvation or a garbage overload. It can be a result of another “shit happens” phenomenon in your life, but all you have to do is stay resourceful. So: feeding the mind.
What is a mind? The mind is this absolutely powerful creative space where universes are born. Every image or 3-d object is creating something inside this space. A work of art, for example, can be digested and give you a lot of mental vitamins. Maybe it’s still too abstract for you to understand what it does after you just saw it, but it’s your task to meditate and comprehend what branches it pushes into your subconsciousness. Image can be treated into an idea, a concept to apply in life, a behavior signal, a circumstance coming in the near future. It all starts with the mind. I read somewhere that spaceships move using mind power of the passenger. A thought is powerful. Just because we are on Earth, doesn’t mean everything is so dull just because we are in a bad mood. We can soar. I understand more and more the power of the visual and I start using it consciously. I make significant bracelets. When I wear them, they remind me of important things animals and plants told me. I make my mind work, and work brings results. All sorts of things get activated when I wear and look at the bracelet of my own making.  Lots of things get activated when other people look at my bracelet, my clothing, my make up, my art. I once made a vessel in my ceramics course with an image from a very meaningful dream. It was a dream about the ultimate source of happiness and enlightenment. I had this clay symbol for a very long time. Once I got upset and broke it in an impulse to release emotions. Now that I explore the potency of visual stimulation, I remembered this object and felt remorseful. It was shaping my subconsciousness. Its presence was a trigger. I never thought about it consciously, but it always did it. Now I regret that I broke this precious symbol.  Not that it means that I broke a dream or its significance. I just deleted a mental trigger that could continue sprouting seeds in my heart and consciousness.

Today I woke up feeling I am a loser. My apartment is a mess and it's past noon. I stopped worrying about wasting time sleeping. If God made it happen – me taking harmful medication that annihilates me and brings my energy down - then I’ll just do what comes. What I sensed was is that I don’t have enough meaningful feelings and my mood was down. I decided to call a helpline, so that somebody can listen to this, but I decided that first I’ll clean 2 sections in my apartment – the kitchen and the surface of the big table where I usually drink tea. I did this and felt so uplifted. My mind received a signal of calm, organization and meaningful composition (and beauty) through the eyes. I decided to make myself look good before I call the helpline, as if I am about to do something – I’ll probably go out after the call, I thought. After making myself look good, I felt even more uplifted and meaningful that I didn’t care about the helpline anymore. I went out and got lots of good vibes from people who looked at me. I am about to soar. I applied a parcel of the knowledge about what visual content and concentration does to the mind.

( Cleaning up and making yourself look good is just a tiny portion of what the visual content and signal is. When it comes to content for the mind, there are also the auditory signals and tactile sensations that can spark the chemistry of the brain into something mega creative (just that in this entry I concentrate rather on the visual). Listening to music or spoken word, receiving massage or affection and looking at art or photographs are a few things we can do to get out of mental dullness and depression. I once was in a deep down, but after I went through a series of photographs I made during a period of time when I was almost ecstatic got me again into the same mood of that period. Memory is another super machine to explore. The 5 senses are powerful, so is memory and imagination. It’s important to use them consciously and with concentration. And also,  it’s crucial to treat life’s details and tasks with devotion and respect them as if they are something very important and precious.  It’s important to do things with concentration and mindfulness – this way their effect on the mind has much more impact. I made the choice to be particular about visual content and I started to concentrate intently on what I am choosing to look at for upliftment, in order to let it affect my being and penetrate my nerves.)

Depression is my school – I have to figure ways out and write, write, write. Almost a stage.  So now that I figured out these powerful ways to soar - the door of the visual (and other type of) content -  I’ll make my palette of triggers. I thought about making sure my house is clean and has objects of importance and beauty. I thought about looking good and paying attention to my body. I thought about going to art exhibitions as well as talking to artists, and also searching for uplifting images on the internet to make a database for occasional use. I thought about making jewelry related to my psychic signals and life’s powers. I thought about watching lots of movies to have role models and education. I thought about meditating more and exploring inside the things I see and perceive on a daily basis in order to gain more understanding of what God is trying to convey. Anyway, I’m lucky to understand this big concept of how the mind works, so now it’s important to remember to apply it. This is how we soar.

Intensely good

I was thinking about why people get suicidal. Must be a lot of reasons. Many people do not like Earth. There’s too much to work here. Too much crime, too many bad vibes, too much injustice. Animals are slaughtered, people are evil to each other, people hurt each other emotionally. In a way the Earth gives me excitement precisely by these vast terrains of unworked grey mass: things to repair, things to improve, things to change. We can get upset about obstacles, but our reaction is our choice. We can on the contrary get excited about the upcoming work. It’s good to become workaholic when it comes to changing the world. Depression is the way my inner world is afflicted and depression also became a source of excitement for me, because it gets me into experimental mode. I feel like surpassing it in creative ways and then sharing my ways with other people. Changing and healing my inner world means also changing the world around me in parallel. I think part of our development as a human we start to consider the option of becoming intensely good. Good people are usually badly loved and the goodness of their character is also reflected in their face features making them beautiful physically. If you ask face readers they would confirm that their beauty criteria depends on crime or the absence of it in the person’s features. Goodness badly rhymes with beauty. I am not talking about having a “perfect” face, but about the light in the eyes, the feeling that the face transmits. I think true beauty has nothing to do with physical shapes or standards. Benevolence shapes our features and creates chemistry people react to in a positive way or by being genuinely attracted. Helping others is the expression of inner harmony and I think helping others also can alleviate heavy inner feelings. Once you start improving the world around you, the inner world starts to change as well. When I have the urge to help people and I follow it, I start feeling unbelievably uplifted.

I want to help. I fuckin’ want to be intensely good. What does it means to be intensely good? First of all, it’s probably the absence, the total absence of the option to harm another being - in any way – physical, mental or emotional. Gentlemen don’t have options. The second part of it is doing good to actually benefit another being, also, in any way. I am trying to stay in the deeply positive when it comes to options, but now I feel it’s not enough. So many people are good, but they don’t express themselves to the max. I feel like having a total blast. It will make me feel so high to actually have an outlet for my love. If another human or animal feels himself to be a “me”, then he is me, and I am badly helping myself when I act to uplift his mood or improve his life. To some people all these things go without saying and talking about it can get them annoyed, but I am working on the phenomenon of depression and feeling good, and when I find a truly good way to alleviate it I feel that it’s a must to mention it. It's not to about being selfish or moralistic, even though the urge to be intensely good may make you think of these opposites and make you feel it’s less exciting than it is, but being a technician, I have to mention ingredients and buttons that when absorbed or pushed, provoke the most desired harmony, and when something is good it’s simply is. Brushing your teeth is most of all for you, but your boyfriend benefits from it as well, so a "duh" article about how good it is to brush your teeth can be more than useful. I started this blog to share recipes of getting out of depression or getting high manually, - I can’t overlook an upliftment factor when it's so powerful and effective.
I started working in a center that helps people psychologically. It involves talking to people on the phone line and in person, thus preventing suicide and helping with depression or any other sort of crisis. It involves helping the homeless people to reintegrate in the community, giving resources to immigrants and alleviating emotional distress. I like to feel useful. When I did something good during the day, it makes me sort of reach my quota of “duty accomplished” and I feel good and rewarded. It makes me forget my own troubles and gives me self esteem. As a mood addict, I would say that having badly helped someone is a real boost for the emotions.


I found wells of happiness in my house.

My depression is going away then coming back. I drink a lot of milk thistle tea and eat the tea itself after the infusion. That intensifies my feelings and gives clarity of mind. Forced treatment is not a joke. To me it's the same as forced depression because my system is incompatible with the drug and I had nothing to treat. So when you are depressed, remember: drink a lot and give your brain content. New things to think of. That will get it out of dullness.

As a depressologist (life made me into one) I always find keys to kick depression. One of the keys I found these days is truly phenomenal. Plants. Flora. If you are a telepath, communicate with your plants. They are extremely wise. Their true selves remain in Heaven or cosmos all the time. The plant itself is like their earthly house. They are like extremely good people and you are the caretaker of their telephones. It's their heart, their house, their physical body. They are immersed in deep meditation. They can help you with anything. One plant told me it will be my life coach. It composes music and plays it with other plants like an orchestra. Another plant is rather romantic with me. It showed me its human form in Heaven. He even told me he can manifest in the physical realm as a human and be my friend. Plants are extremely good. Most of them. I love cactuses particularly; I love their unique shapes and mystical vibes. When I feel lonely, I usually go to the  flower shop and treat myself with friends. I wanted to make a comic strip about a guy saying to a plant: "I'll never eat you." And the plant responding: "I'll water you well."
When I take care of my plants well and talk to them, they really "water" me energetically. That means they send me good vibes and uplift my mood. Consider your plants as your friends. They can be more interesting then humans. They can give you ethereal experiences and be real gurus. By the way, same with animals. Never underestimate them. Some people think animals can be mistreated because they are lesser intelligence then humans. It's like saying: " I'll never mistreat a professor, but I would definitely mistreat a kid." But, when you get telepathic with them, they will prove to you who they are. They are top intelligence. If you consider them enlightened, they will respond in this way. Be receptive.

Keys out of depression are everywhere. Just ask God and your new friends: "What is the meaning of life today?" And roll!

Things unexplained...

So. Depression. What to do with depression? Today and yesterday I am feeling much better. I started to drink a lot of water with chlorophyll and mate tea. All this wakes up and makes me feel clearer and livelier. I am in love with winter. It snows and I feel cozy observing it from the window. I sold my handmade jewelry today and that makes me  feel rewarded. All that is a great chord. I am listening to some blues like music and it suits well the way I feel. I observe the cars and feel somewhat uplifted. I want to get away from this city, somewhere where I can explore new aspects of life and development.

These days are supposed to be for deep meditation. I won’t forgive life for this losing time in the hospital, getting raped, as well as medicated for nothing. I just still hope it was a move of wisdom from its part, like everything else. Maybe something will originate from this bad experience, maybe something will give itself birth from this depression and desperation. I am not that desperate at times, I just feel a constant crying and a relentless questioning “Why?! Why the hell?!..” I don’t know what I did to deserve what happened. But life is not about doing something and getting punished. We all do it to ourselves. I need to concentrate and get ahead, jump, high into the sky, meet my God and have a tete a tete conversation… Take me God, nurse me, explain… Please, explain.

One of these days I will sit down and finish writing my book. I already wrote around seven chapters, if not more. I have enough material for another book started longtime ago. I want to excel at writing, I want to excel at everything! I really have a definite urge to move forward, to produce something coherent, express myself. I feel I will need an art therapist to help me spit out all the pain I’ve accumulated. I will need a lot of release. Meanwhile… Looking. Looking for new friends, looking for that art therapist. I will keep writing and making jewelry. I am also planning a series of paintings that one of the units of a psychiatric  hospital asked me to do. Life is recuperating full strength, I notice it while I write it. I just really hope that the right circumstances will embrace me one of those coming days, so that I can finally fly…

Content is what we need. Content!!!

I feel dull today. These meds I am taking are totally incompatible with my body and are making me drowsy and depressed. I more than once was a victim of a system error or a corrupted system. I am planning to see my old doctor and get a counter expertise about the treatment. If I don’t get it, I’ll go see other doctors till I do. Meanwhile I drink a lot of chlorophyll, black tea, water with lemon and yerba mate tea to get myself started each time I feel dull, like today. Soon I will get a new apartment and that will make me feel more independent than ever. I will cook healthy food there, work on my computer, do art and jewelry and I will really take care of the feng shui and interior design of the place. I plan to buy a lot of vitamins and supplements to boost my brain and nervous system, so that I feel energetic in spite of the stupid medication. Always lemonade out of lemons, always like this. . . And I must say I am pretty successful at lemonade.

I know that when we are depressed, it’s obviously about the mind’s content. Of course it’s also related to the chemicals in the brain, movement and life’s circumstances, but, those things are just outside stimulators that provoke content in the mind. So if something happened, or our brain chemistry is bombarded with annihilating medication, we have to do the work manually, meaning – provide the content with our own efforts. It would be good to watch a movie today. Movies are stimulating content. It’s good to choose a movie that will match my today’s situation in some ways, or, maybe it can be even better – take a movie that is talking about totally different universe of life – to get the mind distracted and make it realize that there are things besides my own sorrow subjects, problems and life themes. Sometimes, when we watch this kind of movies while we are totally absorbed in our problems, we have this feeling like “aliens exist”.

What other things will provide my today’s content? I can get a book (maybe even a scientific book – this gives a true and different look on life and makes us stop taking it for granted); I can provoke a conversation about something interesting and then write about it; I can study the plight of animals in the world – this usually makes you feel lucky and troubled – the urge to help is more powerful than self-pity whatever it is about; I can advance in the writing of my book and thus create my own content. Content is food. My mind is now hungry and this is what makes it dull and depressed. When we don’t feed the mind good food, it starts eating garbage.
So, let’s brainstorm about content. Even a dictionary can help. A word is a sonic frequency that makes our attention anchored on a power. “Fantasy”. “Forge”. “Frog”. A “frog”, for example, is a power. Forge and fantasy are powers too. S.“Stone”. A stone is a power. A notion is a power. A notion provokes images in our brain and the brain starts to function, the brain has something to ruminate on, the brain has got a fresh beginning. Then, notions get connected to other notions and it’s like we are making a necklace with meanings that are precious, because each meaning is like a branching out tree.

Each sentence we heard and took into consideration is somehow creating our life, because it provoked certain behaviors in us. Images and words that we saw and heard in the past are like archived precious jewels that now and again arise and create different thoughts and feelings. The mind is using them like a database. It’s like the example of water becoming crystals in reaction to words ( Our body is mostly made of water. We feed our mind with words and meanings and the body crystallizes in response. It’s like the mandala like visual theme that changes its form and color while the Media Player plays a song and the image responds to sound. We react to words and that makes us feel. In other words, what I am trying to say is that getting out of depression is EASY, if we use feeling-provoking tools, and those tools are really easy to get access to. Those tools are words, sounds, images, etc. It’s content for the mind.

Opening a book, a magazine, or any other content source is like going to the jewelry or bead store. Each word is a catalyst. Each word is a potential to something new to be thought about, developed and put into action to influence the outside world. And then starts the ripple effect. Words are really like hooks. They can trigger intense emotions, and  when the emotions replace the emptiness created by the depression, our whole states starts to move.
Provide your brain with interesting content. Your heart will be grateful.

Mindfulness is crucial for mental survival

Today is a good day. I know, passing these last days of mine were like shuffling dull looking cards. When you paint, in order to create a relevant element, it takes concentration and some kind of devotion. Same with life. You have to love its details and believe in their importance. Worship life’s phenomenons and they become more colorful. I want to start a good painting of today. Maybe to actually paint would be a good idea. It takes meditation, maybe a good song to listen to and you’re started. I realized I haven’t got too much money to survive. Maybe doing some necklaces and handcrafted notebooks would be a good idea for the mind plus it will give me some extra cash, then I can buy something that will make me feel even better. Comfort is sort of everywhere, but how long would I stay in a state of constantly craving something comforting? I want to get to a meaningful element in the picture of my day. I think I should start with doing the practical things that appear not important with focus, concentration and love, then I’ll have ideas for bigger stuff, it usually just sprouts out of state of meditation and slowing down your thoughts. Mindfulness. How do we take a shower? How do we wash dishes? How do we put our clothing on? Are we alive at that time, or it’s just a task that is going to be finished, so that…pant, pant … next. Next. Next… ? Mindfulness is important. It’s important to be alive every second. It’s important to realize that if something exists, it’s because it is important and we have to pay respect to it. It’s a seed. We can just toss it, or we can mindfully put it in the ground. Something always sprouts, even if you were just mindfully washing the sink or cooking or filling an application. Your mind is a very productive universe and when thoughts slow down and you get mindful, there’s always something being born out of this.

Let’s be mindful today. Let’s realize: all is important.  All is potential for something bigger.

Depression is nihilism

Getting out of depression became such a common action – like brushing teeth, combing hair and making a new plan.
Today I was so dull and nihilistic. Depression creeped in, uninvited piece of shit. Depression is often a state of amnesia, of oblivion to the good things in our lives, to the good elements. It’s when the brain either goes blank to them or when it is doing a compilation of negative memories and steps.

OK! Meditation for 10 minutes at least. But with utmost concentration.
After five minutes I got some ideas to type, and I thought: it’s just some stupid chemicals in my brain. All I have to do is change them. I almost feel them physically. It’s good to mentally transform your bad feelings into physical sensations and just say: “Oh shit”… I decided to listen to an uplifting song while I type. Music changes the chemistry. So does exercise.


Now 15 minutes on an exercise machine with my MP3 player. Let’s see what happens to the poor fox online. ;)

Fuckin’ depression gone. Gone!!
HAHAHA!! I am a fuckin’ ace! I know how to get out of this fuckin’ shit!

God will never leave you alone.

Dehydration and the mystic algebra of life

I am stupidly depressed today. I lay in bed for so long and did nothing for a while. I just realized exactly why I feel so lousy.
The water in the tap was bad so I abstained. I read in a book “your body’s many cries for water” that drinking can dissolve depression.
I bet it’s not the only reason. Some Voice tells me it is.


This was a painkill. Now. There’s more to life than this. You feel good? Do something besides nursing yourself. Then “How do you feel?” no longer applies. I want more out of life than an ordinary reality and I don’t want drugs. Yes, I am very demanding and I act upon it.

As a beyond guide I have the Supreme Master Ching Hai. She does jewelry as part of Her work. Each time I look at Her design I get an ethereal rush, an uplifting vibe. She calls it “Celestial Jewelry” because it was inspired by phenomenons beyond this world so She credited it to Heaven. Me, as a admirer who wants to reach spiritual mastership, I also want my creativity and art to carry the highest vibration of the universe. I want to connect to the highest spheres when I create. I want my art to be uplifting. The delusion that “art is useless” would be out of question. I explored a pattern (a set) called “Perfect”. Perfection is something I seek, so, as a seeker, I took this masterpiece as a blueprint. A blueprint for action in daily life, a blueprint of destiny, blueprint to stairway to inner Heaven and outer Heaven. It’s nice to have something wordless, mystic and sometimes abstract to direct you with pure meaning, for a change, besides, say, an elaborated manual or a documentary.  I like asymmetry and for me it rhymes with perfection and uniqueness. The piece carries it and upon seeing it I had a “yes!” resonance and a thirst for knowledge.   It’s good to meditate and see how the vision unfolds. The image of “The Perfect” is a filled blank I send to the universe. I see what I get as circumstances. Perfect man, perfect art supplies, perfect fitness, precise movements, agility, understanding of my mission on Earth? What if I put the necklace on the map of my city? Which places would be pointed by the triangles and why?

One triangle points at my house. What about the rest? 4 triangles are see-through.
Why don’t I just visit.
I’ll choose an action for each place, just to have a plan.
I’ll take a photo camera.
The object is blessed THEREFORE I won’t be useless.

Killing depression in a tea house

When I am depressed, I always try to understand and analyze what depresses me or the lack of what depresses me. Sometimes I walk on a lonely grey street and feel dragged down. The ice and gravel and cement confirm the state I have inside – abandoned and unresourceful. I go to a tea house and sit in  zen surroundings while my head is still absorbed in digesting the grey and dull color of the outside. This is lack of receptivity. It’s when the pores of perception are clogged, the depressing elements creep in and stay not allowing circulation to happen. I understood the key to success:

Related notions: focus, circulation, movement of attention , switch of topic on time.

Today I decided to go to a tea house with intention prepared in advance: Get to receptivity. I took a small expensive notebook (a gift from a friend) with me so that I can do calligraphy. Took ink pens and gel pens. My goal is to focus on what surrounds me in the PRESENT MOMENT. This way the ceramic ancient teapots, potted trees, water in the fountain and tea will occupy all the space in me. Not the grey cement, not the people I saw in the morning and the problems related to them, not my desperation, but tea, water  and calligraphy.

How do I become receptive? How do I become an empty vessel?

I grabbed my small notebook and wrote the name of my goal on the first few pages: “Receptivity”
Not so long ago I watched a movie called “Copying Beethoven.  The girl that studied with the composer started to compose her own music and while she played she looked at objects surrounding her and “described” their essence musically. This way her composition became imprinted with the apple, the light in the window… I wrote each letter with lots of attention. While doing each letter I looked at a different object on the table: the teapot, the small cup, the filter, the candle.

“I want to focus on the now, I want to absorb, I want to understand, I want to pray for even deeper understanding.”

The preparation of the tea I ordered requires several vessels. It includes a chung, a filter holder, a serving teapot, a cup and the hot water jug. While I pour the tea through the filter , I also focus on different things: the domestic fountain,  and the way water flows there, the way water flown from the tap today when I washed my face, a memory of a dog peeing, a waterfall I saw a few months ago… These are all correlations. What it does to the brain is giving it circulation and a 3rd dimension, a volume, by the diversity of the elements. It’s important for the mind to have a panorama in order to stay away from depression. Back to the notebook.  I want to name other elements and also write them with much effort. I read in lots of books about the effectiveness of writing affirmations (positive statements that come true after you imprint the mind with them) *. I think what can matter is not only the number of times you write your affirmation, but also the “how”. If you write it even once but with lots of concentration and prayer, it will convince the mind with more effectiveness and can also serve a s a visual reminder for later when you come back to it. I read a book once where the author described a religious icon. It was a surface where the artist painstakingly write the word “God” with a stencil. I want each page of my notebook to be an icon. And each word I write to mean “God” in a way and be as hypnotic. I will think “God” when I write them.

It’s God in my actions.
It’s God in every letter.
It’s God in me.

R e c e p t i v i t y.

* Read Louise L. Hay “You Can Heal Your Life” and other books by her.

Vitamin bomb and self-esteem recording

Regular day. Starts with some kind of lazy moves in bed. It’s like: sun is shining, so what? I would like to be more absorbent and receptive. It’s bad to ignore such a signal. Such a powerful star is sending to me all its light and I just say “Whatever, I’m a loser”. This kind of behavior is supposed to be forbidden. I start my day with a nutrition bomb: Vitamin B complex – 3 pills, chlorophyll mixed in water, maca powder mixed in juice, natural energy drink: ginseng, ginkgo biloba, guarana, echinacea… Wow. All that is so damn powerful. Sun is so damn powerful and it’s free. A love portion from the sky. Now I am at the computer and I can even see my own face because of the light. 

How to make your day good when it just starts and you have your blues eating at you? I already did a good fine tuning with all these herbs and vitamins. I listened to a recording about how to increase your self esteem. The thing about those recordings is that you really have to apply  what you learn. People often take lessons, listen to good advice and just put it in the archives, and then, when they hear it again, they just think: “Oh, I already know this”. I sometimes do the same thing; I forget to actually apply what I learn in practice  . This time I listened to the recording with a lot of focus paying attention to every word. I will do all it says: writing affirmations, mirror work and visualizations and see what it does. Anyway, the day just starts and I hope my depression will be defeated. I already cut a chunk off of it; Let’s go further… Loading…

Convincing. How do you get convincing? (old entry)

The morning started. I feel sad and heavy. I feel I have to go through the good things in my life to fill my head with something positive. It’s time for soul hygiene. By that I mean meditation, reflection on higher things.
There is a topic I want to discuss today, and this is convincing ability.  Why some songs are convincing and some not? I understood it’s because of the conviction of the singer in the importance of the song, is the fact that the lyrics are meant. Even onomatopoeias are badly meant. A good example of a convincing artist is Lady Gaga. Listen to Bad Romance.


I want to be convincing. How do I make myself convincing?

Trust in the other person
Trust in yourself
Trust in the higher good
Trust in God
God would never leave you alone.
I want your horror, I want your design. . . Cause you’re a criminal as long as you’re mine. . .

I want my design! I know it’s not design, but in the moment while I listen to it and have an hearing imprecision, it is. (Uh-oh, it is design, it is.:) Recently I made a shirt design that says “Ace of Spades . . . by bondage.” Want it, baby, want it!!!


There’s always something to do. Even in the most disturbed situation. I understood that the key is really to contemplate. Each person, each action, each thing is a connection to a greater ensemble of things that in turn can result in something special and good, leaving you feel resourceful and winning. I always try. I always talk to people. Maybe this person will do something to provoke great consequences. I feel I am closer to my goal now to get off forced treatment. I just prayed a lot and did my possible. I made an effort to get out of depression, made an effort to be convincing, and which is most important I had trust in God. My goal is not yet achieved, but I feel I am getting there, just by keeping optimistic even though I had setbacks which made me more resistant and confident. Self-confidence always gives results. I just don’t give up, it keeps me on a decent height to get what I want in a close future and an inner feeling tells me I will win. Pray for me.

Ways to get out of depression - self esteem fine-tuning

Today I woke up at 12 pm and  thought “Not another dull day...” Recently I realized that I feel bad because my nutrition is very poor (I forget to eat sometimes), so besides surveying my nutrition, I decided to boost myself  and bought powders – black maca (increases vitality and memory) and matcha green tea (antioxidants and alertness). Today I mixed matcha with soy yogurt and now I feel awake and ready to do something good.  Recently I started going to the gym, so it’s something else that influences my state in a positive way and makes me feel more grounded and resourceful.

Something I noticed I need to work on is my self esteem. I thought one way to boost it is to identify myself with. I went downtown and looked at beautiful things and in my head said to myself “that’s me” or “this is that particular aspect of myself”. I identified myself with beautiful things and also people I love – celebrities and not. I thought about how people make bracelets and other jewelry out of seed beads. Usually there are thousands of them and we choose some of them to participate in a bracelet. It’s the same with celebrities. It’s as random the way God chooses them to participate in people’s mind formation, which means we are all equal (duh!) and all capable. Of course some things make these people stand out which is USING THEIR POTENTIAL, but, the potential is inherent in everyone. There’s no difference between you and the talented person you so admire. Time to admire yourself. Let’s go.

Ways to get out of depression - self esteem fine-tuning

Today I woke up at 12 pm and  thought “not another dull day”. Recently I realized that I feel bad because my nutrition is very poor (I forget to eat sometimes), so besides surveying my nutrition, I decided to boost myself  and bought powders – black maca (increases vitality and memory) and matcha green tea (antioxidants and alertness). Today I mixed matcha with soy yogurt and now I feel awake and ready to do something good.  Recently I started going to the gym, so it’s something else that increases my state in a positive way and makes me feel more grounded and resourceful.

Something I noticed I need to work on is my self esteem. I thought one way to boost it is to identify myself with. I went downtown and looked at beautiful things and in my head said to myself “that’s me” or “this is that particular aspect of myself”. I identified myself with beautiful things and also people I love – celebrities and not. I thought about how people make bracelets and other jewelry out of seed beads. Usually there are thousands of them and we choose some of them to participate in a bracelet. It’s the same with celebrities. It’s as random the way God chooses them to participate in people’s mind formation, which means we are all equal (duh!) and all capable. There’s no difference between you and the talented person you so admire. Time to admire yourself. Let’s go.

Bad Day

Bad day. What does it mean bad day? How many good events that are going to happen to people today will prove me wrong? I guess I am just egocentric. If I don’t like it, maybe it’s not my day. Yet. I’ll just be observer. I’ll observe other people getting what they really want or what they really need. I guess I just need good news. I can read some success stories online, can find someone happy or just watch a Supreme Master Television show. Always lots of good content there. It’s important to read success stories, if you purchase a course online. I once, long time ago,  followed a newsletter about how to make and sell wire jewelry. If I didn’t read success stories, my enthusiasm would  probably be broken by people who can imagine me being only a starving artist. Success stories from other people gave me lots of fuel to keep going with the art and I got lots of money for it as a result.

So, from low to high. How can I uplift myself today? I know that lots of unprecious moments in life come out of lack of focus and concentration. They come out of considering them unprecious. I decided to make a beaded bracelet about the so-called unprecious moments of my life and concentrate on them. If every human is a God incarnate, then every moment of His or Her life would be precious or important, even if the mind is depressed during these moments. Every bead I put on a string represents a moment or an action that I regarded as life junk. I wonder what profound contemplation on them would do to me. One bead is for me waiting for the school bus longtime ago, one bead is for me playing  with bits of paper, one bead is for me massaging myself with orange scented lotion and feeling good (this is actually officially precious moment), one bead is for seeing a white cat cross the road carefully, one bead is for when my watch stopped and I put the arrows on 5 o’clock for decoration (uh-oh, I think I might write a song about it… )

I want to cherish everything in my life. The more precious things you have in mind, the more quality your life gets. I want to be particular, I want to be detailed, I want to be attentive, I want to be intent.

I want to nurse myself (I will ask God to call me “baby”).

Depression as raw material

I have been lethargic these days. Today is one of those days. I decided to contemplate on my gray concrete and behave like a slow bomb that will make it explode. I observe . I slow down. When I slow down my movements, they become more precious and I become more focused. The world is then more sharp and the elements of my inner universe start to have more "value". What would happen if I do one small thing, but with a lot of effort and concentration? I will slow down for it and the result will glow and later will remind me of the inner richness I gained while doing it.  I try to do this with every gesture and every action. 
Now it's winter and my adrenaline is down. I drink a lot of black tea and it helps to wake up my nerves. When I consciously slow down my reflexes I get more adrenaline from the moment and life becomes more powerful. I know that action and work save from depression and boredom, so I try to organize my work and keep being productive. I have a lot of projects and I colored a mandala - each piece in different color - 1 color for each project. This way I can see all at once and remember all at once. I want to be super productive. I know this way the depression will go. I constantly need to busy my mind with something external; that way, when it masticates, it can't go dull; and when it exercises enough, I get this rush of dopamine and good feelings.
I feel this days it's important to love myself. I want to love each part of my world. Even more so these devastated cities of mine that were hit by depression. I visualize my inner pain, my sadness as blue jewels or as pigment, beads, raw material that I can do something with. This blog is one of the applications of this materials and I hope that my words will help someone else to survive and overcome depression. Make the best out of your life- given materials (like depression). Be an artist.

1-20 of 53 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Recipes for mania, posted March 24th, 2014, 1 comment
Linen Chest Espresso, posted November 7th, 2012, 1 comment
Manic, posted August 5th, 2012
The visual landscape remastered, posted July 17th, 2012
The visual triggers - my inner control panel, posted June 16th, 2012
Intensely good, posted May 23rd, 2012
I found wells of happiness in my house., posted April 15th, 2012
Things unexplained..., posted February 24th, 2012
Content is what we need. Content!!!, posted February 24th, 2012
Mindfulness is crucial for mental survival, posted February 20th, 2012
Depression is nihilism, posted February 6th, 2012
Dehydration and the mystic algebra of life, posted February 6th, 2012
Killing depression in a tea house, posted February 6th, 2012
Vitamin bomb and self-esteem recording, posted February 6th, 2012
Convincing. How do you get convincing? (old entry), posted January 28th, 2012
Optimistic, posted January 24th, 2012
Ways to get out of depression - self esteem fine-tuning, posted January 22nd, 2012
Ways to get out of depression - self esteem fine-tuning, posted January 22nd, 2012
Bad Day, posted January 21st, 2012
Depression as raw material, posted January 21st, 2012
Listening to your body, posted January 17th, 2012
Tunnel, posted January 14th, 2012
Thinking about a way out, posted January 14th, 2012
One of those days - September entry - dealing with indirect ****, posted January 14th, 2012
Overheard dialogue, posted January 14th, 2012
Depression again. Let's find ways to get out., posted January 14th, 2012
Preciousness (When it gets precious.), posted October 8th, 2011
I get scientific, posted October 8th, 2011
Off meds, posted March 4th, 2011, 2 comments
Old non-published entry: Manic VS genius, posted January 22nd, 2011
Preparing for life with no meds, posted December 25th, 2010, 1 comment
You're something, posted December 12th, 2010
Sensitive to stones, posted December 11th, 2010, 1 comment
Heart VS Mind, posted December 11th, 2010
Learning to be an animal. Got your instinct?, posted December 7th, 2010
Oxygen wink, posted December 6th, 2010
Gotta get my mojo running. . ., posted November 11th, 2010
Paranoia Oh My God, posted November 5th, 2010
Attention back to myself :) hugs., posted October 31st, 2010
Synchronicity and winks from God [as confirmations], posted October 18th, 2010
Beyond mania: getting spiritually high tech, posted October 17th, 2010
About going off meds or reducing dosage : personal experience, posted October 14th, 2010
Awesomeness VS Self -Importance, posted October 14th, 2010
I am in love - Mania time, posted October 12th, 2010
Out of the blues, posted September 23rd, 2010
Kicking The Blues: Coffee With Myself, posted August 18th, 2010
Kicking The Blues: You Do It To Yourself..., posted August 13th, 2010
Kicking the blues - I am my own child, posted August 8th, 2010
Kicking the blues - Memory can save you, posted August 3rd, 2010
Kicking the blues - Domino effects, posted August 1st, 2010
1-50 of 54 Blog Posts   

Here are some friends' blogs...

How to Embed Photos in your Blog Embed Photos How to Embed Videos in your Blog Embed Videos